Waiting
by ceridwen-amyed
Summary: San watches her Forest grow, and tries to understand her feelings for Ashitaka. A short vignette.


**Disclaimer: **Characters and place do not belong to me. I actually have no idea who they belong to, but it's not me.

~*~

She waited. Her fingers trailed through soft tufts of grass, and she waited. Once she would have felt restless sitting like this; she would have wanted to run with her wolf brothers through the forest. But now the forest was gone, and her brothers slept during the day, emerging in the cool of twilight. She did not want to sleep. She did not want to miss the growth of her forest. 

Sometimes he sat with her quietly, his hands folded respectfully in his lap, head bowed. He might have been praying.

They sat together, waiting. It would take time for the forest to grow. Perhaps they would both wither away before even the smallest saplings had become strong, and for centuries after, their bones would lie here, twined together in death. The thought made her smile, and Ashitaka looked at her strangely. She couldn't quite bring herself to tell him why she smiled.

He wanted more from her, and his frustration rolled from him in thick cloudy waves. 

One night, when they sat high on the hill and smelt the Ironworks in the distance, he kissed her. It felt strange, being so close to him, breathing in his scent and taste, knowing for the first time that they were the same. She'd opened her eyes and stared over his shoulder, over the fledging forest she'd been watching… And then she shut her eyes, tired of being a wolf, of fighting feelings that had long since twisted sweetly into her heart. She was human. Maybe a wolf soul, trapped in a human body, but sometimes, instincts were instincts. And the forest was not here to protect her. She couldn't enclose herself in soft, crackling beds of leaves, covered with heavy pelts of shed fur. There were no trees blanketing out the night sky, and cold stars. The moonlight gleamed off Ashitaka's skin and there was no wolf breath against her neck to prevent her from looking at him. 

Once or twice during these nightly watches, he tried to apologise. He didn't know what for, only that he should apologise. 

_For everything I've ever done wrong. For stalling when I should have been strong. For being reckless when I should have been merciful. I feel that I failed you, even before I met you._

He did not quite meet her eyes when he said that, and she could only stare at him. Humans were so strange sometimes. But somehow she couldn't bring herself to move towards him. He sighed. _I'm sorry, he said again._

_So am I_, replied San, squeezing his hand.

After that, she'd been afraid. Shed never felt loneliness before, but now when he wasn't with her, she felt its barbs sting her. Wolf brothers were all well and good for hunting and play-fighting, but they could not hold her the way Ashitaka could. They could not kiss her and bring her to the brink of death and breathe life back into her.

She became impatient waiting for him. He worked hard in Iron Town, and that hurt her too. Eboshi had hurt her, had killed her mother and the Forest Spirit. And as the days went by, and the fortress of Eboshi's town grew up again, (less imposing then before – perhaps the damned woman had learnt that the Forest, even a fledgling forest, was not to be trifled with), Ashitaka's visits grew shorter, and shorter.

San withdrew into herself, ignoring him when he sat beside him, clasping her hands carefully in her lap instead of his. She did not meet him on the hill, but rather ran through the saplings and streams, feeling the plants and animals flood through her veins.

He was hurt. She told herself that she didn't care.

He found her again sitting on their hill. He stood before her, on the brink of a decision.

_Why do you do this?_ He asked. __

_You help the humans,_ she said, tying flowers together in a chain together.

He waved his hands in the air and shouted, _Because__ I am a human! They ask for my help and I give it! I am human, San… I care about other humans._

She said nothing. _Surely you can understand that, he whispered quietly. It wasn't a question._

She nodded slowly and heard him exhale. They were silent for a long time and Ashitaka sat next to her.

_If I left, would you forget me?_ He asked, not looking at her.

San took hold his hands and laid them gently in her lap, cupping them with her own. The faintest of markings coiled across his right palm, the only trace of the curse left on him. He was flawed, because although the curse had been lifted, he was still scarred by it. He was _her flaw, the one thing that could destroy her. He reminded her of herself, that she was not a wolf, but a human. And she knew that someday that flaw would bring about her death._

_I would try to_, she said finally, keeping her gaze fixed on their entwined hands. _But I would not succeed. You will always be here,_ and she traced her right hand's lifeline with one finger. She raised her head and looked at his troubled expression. _Because of you, I too was touched by Nago's curse. Because I helped you return the __Forest__ Spirit's head. She smiled suddenly, and laughed a little. He smiled as well, and closed his fingers around hers._

_And because of that_, he finished in a low voice, _we are bound forever._

She nodded and kissed him very gently.

_Stay with me,_ she whispered and when he nodded, she heard her brothers howl, for they had lost her forever. The trees grew without her watchful care; the fires of Iron Town burnt without his quiet strength.

The Forest grew up around them as they kissed.


End file.
